Ah, sweet melancholy of life

Maybe it is quarter-life crisis that’s plaguing me. In a little over a month, my postgraduate degree in Sydney will be completed, another year done. Over. No direction, nowhere to go. It sucks to plan your life in such small increments.

*emo alert*

What a representation of the transience of life. I’ve been harping about transience practically everywhere, but I think that’s a huge part of being a student abroad, especially if your home country holds little reason for you to return. The people I hung around with in Beijing – they were mostly older than me and had been going through that at that time, and I had watched them consider one shaky option after another, and eventually just go home. I think I had been too young to truly understand what they were going through; either that, or because at that time I had Sydney to look forward to, knowing that my life would be set at least for another year. Now, here in Sydney, I finally understand what that they had felt then, and most of the people here that I hang around with are too young to understand; either that, or because the next few years of their undergraduate lives are pretty set. They’re in the middle of the journey; I’m already on my way back from the tail end, with the authority to decide the next step of my life in my hands, and deathly afraid of using it.

(Sucks to be older than everyone else.)

Ah, transience. What an achingly beautiful thing.

I should have enjoyed myself more here in Sydney, gone to more places, ate better food, watched more movies, met more people, took more pictures, found such eagerness for life each day. I had been hoping that I would get from Sydney what I did from Beijing  – of course, now I realize that very few things can actually compare to my time in Beijing. And I’m not idealizing my time there; it’s because I was practically on vacation in Beijing, and my friends and I had massive amounts of time to go out to (a hell lot cheaper) places, learning what you never can from books. We never had to deal with research essays and presentations (like what I’m doing now, and I deal with it by procrastinating). It’s not a lack of feeling here; it’s a lack of time (and money). Sometimes I wonder which is better, having enough time in a cheap, inconvenient place of bad hygiene and being cheated from all sides, or being stuck in a nice, expensive place where everyone and everything disappears into the deadlines.

And perhaps, most importantly, I wasn’t worried of what would come next, when I was in Beijing, because I knew what it was going to be. There’s nothing like a foggy view of the future that makes you feel like drowning in the sea of mediocrity. And believe me, in this field of study I’m in, mediocrity is inexcusable. Sometimes I can’t help thinking that I really made a wrong decision somewhere. Wish I didn’t care so much about not wanting a cog-and-wheel existence.

*end emo alert*

Anyway, back to that research essay.


Posted on May 25, 2007, in Beijing, Life in General, School of English, Sydney. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Even with a steady job and income, I still experience moments where I see myself somewhere else in the future, but have no exact idea where. It’s kind of hard to live a life where you just go where it takes you to. I guess direction or a goal would be much appreciated. lol. But I just think all of us go through the motion and eventually would end up with something. Well, I sure hope so.

    Especially when we’re at that age where people start to settle down *insert grimace*, and take more responsibility and stuff. gah. At the same time, I think of it as our time where we learn and make mistakes, and still be able to bounce back. =), you’re too young for quarter life crisis anyway. wait a couple more years. XD. And really, I can’t imagine you with any other career. You seem to be enjoying what you do…Don’t doubt your choices…:)

    Good for you that your postgradute degree is about to be completed….I’m stuck on thesis with mine..XD.

    And after that long-ass post wherein I really don’t have a coherent point, napapa-english mo talaga ako sa mga posts mo! hahaha.

  2. oi, just stay back for a month or two after your masters to holiday and road trip around… 🙂

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